When people ask, “What are you looking forward to about coming back to the US?,” I usually answer with some food I miss eating, or how it will be so good to be around family and friends again. And it’s true- I do miss those things. But also, I am looking forward to giving my heart a rest.
My heart is being pummeled. A constant cycle of breaking and healing. It is exhausting and overwhelming. Right now, I have the fan on, not because it is hot, but because I don’t want to hear the neighbor yelling, “I’ll beat you!” in Luganda. I don’t always want to know when kids are sneaking into our gate to look through the trash. Sometimes, I just want to be Mom. Sometimes, I don’t want to think about what the children from my class are doing right now or if they’ve eaten today. I don’t want to see a guy lying on the side of the road and wonder if he is sleeping or dead… and then try to decide if I should do something about it. Some days, it is just too much to think about the young women being tricked into sex slavery, the witch doctors, and corrupt government officials. Today is one of those days.
Can I please just go back to worrying about what I’m going to wear to church? Or make for dinner? I’m not saying that America doesn’t have problems. (I think it was easier for me to compartmentalize there though.) And I’m not even saying that Uganda’s problems are worse than America’s. Pain is pain. Tears are tears. Sorrow is sorrow. People are going through real struggles everywhere. My eyes are just being opened to a new genre of hurt.
Thankfully, I have been spared from pain and sorrow for most of my life. For some reason, God chose to give me everything I’ve ever needed… and wanted, really. Why? Why me? I did nothing to deserve the blessings I have. Every good thing that I am is directly from Jesus. He is the source of hope, joy, and goodness. Without Him, I would be nothing.
On days like today when I just can’t make sense of things, the only thing I can do is remember that my job is to listen and obey. That’s it. I can’t fix everything. I can’t fix anything! But God can. He can use me to do whatever He wants. And instead of thinking, “that’s all I can do…” I should be thinking, “I am doing what I was born to do.”
My heart is being pummeled. A constant cycle of breaking and healing. It is exhausting and overwhelming. Right now, I have the fan on, not because it is hot, but because I don’t want to hear the neighbor yelling, “I’ll beat you!” in Luganda. I don’t always want to know when kids are sneaking into our gate to look through the trash. Sometimes, I just want to be Mom. Sometimes, I don’t want to think about what the children from my class are doing right now or if they’ve eaten today. I don’t want to see a guy lying on the side of the road and wonder if he is sleeping or dead… and then try to decide if I should do something about it. Some days, it is just too much to think about the young women being tricked into sex slavery, the witch doctors, and corrupt government officials. Today is one of those days.
Can I please just go back to worrying about what I’m going to wear to church? Or make for dinner? I’m not saying that America doesn’t have problems. (I think it was easier for me to compartmentalize there though.) And I’m not even saying that Uganda’s problems are worse than America’s. Pain is pain. Tears are tears. Sorrow is sorrow. People are going through real struggles everywhere. My eyes are just being opened to a new genre of hurt.
Thankfully, I have been spared from pain and sorrow for most of my life. For some reason, God chose to give me everything I’ve ever needed… and wanted, really. Why? Why me? I did nothing to deserve the blessings I have. Every good thing that I am is directly from Jesus. He is the source of hope, joy, and goodness. Without Him, I would be nothing.
On days like today when I just can’t make sense of things, the only thing I can do is remember that my job is to listen and obey. That’s it. I can’t fix everything. I can’t fix anything! But God can. He can use me to do whatever He wants. And instead of thinking, “that’s all I can do…” I should be thinking, “I am doing what I was born to do.”
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